lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.” —T.S. Eliot (via thetumbleweedchronicles)
OK I would make concessions for:
Don’t worry - I’m clearly confused about my own sexuality, too.
Spring Break has brought out my annoying dependency on technology:
I think I’m becoming asexual, or whatever the relationship equivalent of that is. Really. Truly. I was over at my friend Katie’s house the other night, discussing relationships, and she was describing a normal nightly routine between herself and her husband. They’d both come home from work, exhausted, and he would talk her ear off whilst she pretended to listen but was actually more engaged in whatever TV show they were watching. Now I’m not saying that such a habit negates their love, but the prospect of such grand complacency scares the shit out of me. I tried conveying the intensity of my fear to her, and I realized that to a lot of people, my standards for love and marriage can be written off as particular or choosy. When in reality, I am refusing to settle for the mundane; I am refusing to settle for a relationship where I cannot be wholly honest with my partner and say, “Hey, I am not listening to a word you say. Can we just be silent for a while?” And I don’t know if there is one single man in this world who would be able to deal with that, or to deal with any of the oddly introverted facets of my personality. I want you near, but I don’t want to talk; I want you to touch me, but I won’t touch you back; I need to go into the bedroom and be alone for a while, and no, you can’t follow me in there. This is not normal behavior, I know, but it is what feels right to me. And if I had to alter said behavior to appease a man…well, I wouldn’t. I’d rather be single. I’m not worried about having a relationship, of having to maintain the ego of another person. What I’m concerned about is myself; about loving myself and becoming comfortable with myself. About finishing school. About finding a job that allows me to be creative and free every single day for the rest of my life. About enough money to buy my own home and fill it with the things I love. About traveling and deepening my self discovery. Those are the things that I care about right now, and they have nothing to do with a man, or any other person frankly. It’s just unfortunate that, in our society, in our culture, the lengthening of my virginity and the blossoming of my spinsterhood will only serve to further alienate me.